¿Como se dice “PUNT” en inglés? Don’t Watch This; Watch That, Week 8

As y’all know, part of this “job” is spending a fair deal of time watching bad football on dumb channels. Heck, that’s the entire conceit of Don’t Watch This; Watch That — you should be spending more time doing exactly that.

A couple weeks ago, though, we reached new depths to our depravity.

Using the sort feature on my streaming service, I elected to watch “Football” (rather than just college football, for some reason).

What a surprise, though, when I noticed an extra game on my screen:

IPN Zacatenco at Borregos Salvajes CEM ITESM

“There goes Fubo again,” I figured. “Showing me Mexican soccer games as ‘football’ or something.” Must’ve been a glitch.

Of course, I clicked.

Reader, you are looking ¡EN VIVO! at the Organización Nacional Estudiantil de Fútbol Americano (ONEFA), or the National Student Organization of American Football—American football in Mexico. This game is hosted on beIN 4, one of the many beIN networks (including beIN ñ, which this channel was not, though the broadcast was in Spanish).

If you have not heard of beIN, let alone beIN 4, it’s largely an international sports channel—lots of South American and French soccer, as well as tons of mixed martial arts, with some sport climbing, padel tennis, and the 2024 Women’s Baseball World Cup (on beIN Sports Xtra today at 9am CT!) thrown in for good measure.

Back to Mexican football.

At the college level (the Liga Mayor), there’s actually a promotion-relegation system! The 14 Grandes Conference is the top league and true championship, with the remaining 19 teams grouped into three divisions in the Nacional Conference.

The game I mentioned above featured the Instituto Politcnico Nacional—LOS BURROS BLANCOS (the White Donkeys!)—visiting Borregos Salvajes CEM ITSEM—the WILD RAMS.

Take a look at the Liga MX (soccer teams) nicknames, too. This is a country that understands what goes into a team name. Even the Tigers in ONEFA—the Autenticos Tigres UANL—translate out to THE AUTHENTIC TIGERS. No fake Tigers up in this shit.

That’s all excellent. I love a good nickname. And this game’s got royalty—Los Borregos Salvajes, the hosts, are two-time defending champions and claim 17 national titles; Los Burros Blancos finished runner-up in 2018 and won in 2019. Of course, dear reader, you care about none of this. You only have one question on your mind:

CAN THEY PUNT?

Reader, can they ever.

Now, I want to start you with a nice punt. Los Burros Blancos were woefully outmatched in this one, with their anemic passing game allowing CEM’s defense to pin its ears—horns?—back and force tres-y-fuera después tres-y-fuera.

But if quarterback Aldo Herrera Perez wasn’t having a good day in the pocket, he had a great one punting the ball. Take a look:

Is there no rush? Sure. But that’s a 43-yard punt with, by my stopwatch, 4.4 seconds of hangtime. Not FBS stuff, necessarily, but not damn bad.

Borregos Salvajes had less need for P/K Yael Michel Garcia Lopez, since their read-option offense was carving through los Burros Blancos at will until stalling out in plus territory. Plus, their defense was playing so well that they didn’t need to flip much field position from a punt, which was a good thing, because their efforts were...more mixed.

This one only flies 37, with about 3.7 seconds of hangtime, and bounces into the end zone:

As I got into the game, eagerly anticipating each punt—and trying futilely to get better shots than the stream would allow—Garcia’s punts were really bothering me. Why did he never seem quite comfortable? Then I noticed where he caught this one, again just a 39-yard punt with only 3.1 seconds of hangtime:

Well, turns out it’s hard to step into a really good punt when your long snap looks like...this:

While this one didn’t count because of a flag, I promise you: they all looked like that.

Didn’t matter. CEM handled Los Burros Blancos, with a final score of 16-0 after Garcia Lopez nailed this field goal.

IPN Zapatenco shut off the comments on its Facebook post announcing the result—they don’t after a win, with some excellent content!—which really makes me wonder how ugly things get. Who’s the #FSUtwitter of ONEFA? Someone who’s bilingual get in here and help me out.

Anyway! With this loss, Los Burros Blancos slid to 1-4, while Borregos Salvajes CEM rose to 2-2, a couple games back of the league leaders...

...also Borregos Salvajes, but from Puebla, not the Monterrey campus. Here are the updated standings as of last week’s juegos:

receptor.com.mx

As best I can tell, neither is anything special this year, but since eight of the 14 teams make it into the playoffs, both still have a shot at the title.

More importantly, those kids can punt the hell outta the ball. Maybe if Big Ten teams can’t get a plane to Australia, it’s time to start sending some recruiters down to Mexico.

Just gotta get them a better snapper.

Thursday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Boston College Eagles at Virginia Tech Hokies (-7, O/U 48.5) [6:30pm, ESPN]

{NFL} Denver Broncos at New Orleans Saints [7:15pm, Prime]

{MLB} New York Yankees at Cleveland Guardians [4:08, TBS/truTV]
{WSOC} Washington at #9 Iowa [7:30pm, BTN]
{WSOC} #20 Penn State at UCLA [9:30pm, BTN]

Watch That

Georgia State Panthers at Marshall Thundering Herd

6pm | ESPN2 | Marshall -9 | O/U 51.5

Los Angeles Dodgers at New York Mets

7:08pm | FS1 | Dodgers lead series, 2-1

First. I’m glad the Sun Belt’s unique brand of insanity is back on the midweek slots.

But 70 percent of me is water, and...

Friday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Florida State Seminoles at Duke Blue Devils (-3, O/U 42.5) [6pm, ESPN2]
Brown Bears at Princeton Tigers [6pm, ESPNU]
UW-Stevens Point Pointers at #19 UW-Whitewater Warhawks [6pm, WIAC stream]
#2 Oregon Ducks (-27.5, O/U 60.5) at Purdue Boilermakers [7pm, FOX]

{MLB} Dodgers at Mets [4:08pm, FS1]
{MLB} Yankees at Guardians [7:08pm, TBS/truTV]
{Liga MX} Atlas vs. Mazatlan [8pm, TUDN]
{NWSL} Seattle Reign vs. Houston Dash [9pm, Prime]
{Liga MX} Puebla vs. Cruz Azul [10:05pm, TUDN]

{VB} #2 Nebraska at Michigan State [5pm, BTN]
{VB} #3 Penn State at Ohio State [7pm, BTN]

Watch That

Calgary Stampeders at Hamilton Tiger-Cats

6pm | CBSSN | HAM -3.5 | O/U 51.5

{WNBA} New York Liberty at Minnesota Lynx

7pm | ESPN | Liberty lead series, 2-1

Oklahoma State Cowboys at #13 BYU Cougars

9:15pm | ESPN | BYU -9 | O/U 52.5

Fresno State Bulldogs at Nevada Wolf Pack

9:30pm | CBSSN | Fresno -2.5 | O/U 50.5

A Harbor’s not happening. Sorry to inform you. Walters blew his load last week. Purdue is cooked, and it’s a win over Northwestern or nothing from here on out.

College hockey’s back on, too, with some games on ESPN+ and many more on the various streaming platforms of the conferences. Tonight, the #5 Gophers head to Duluth for what’ll likely be more heartbreak against the Bulldogs, while #9 wisconsin already hosts Ohio State in conference play on BTN+.

The best of the evening is likely #13 Michigan hosting #14 St. Cloud State on BTN+ or #19 Mankato State hosting the #5 Fighting Hawks of North Dakota on Midco Sports Plus. Go Mavs.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

wisconsin badgers (-7, O/U 41.5) at Northwestern Wildcats [11am, BTN]
#6 Miami Fluoride Hurricanes (-4.5, O/U 61.5) at Lhvl Crdnls [11am, ABC]
Virginia Cavaliers at #10 Clemson Tigers (-21.5, O/U 57.5) [11am, ACCN]
Auburn Tigers at #19 Missouri Tigers (-4.5, O/U 51.5) [11am, ESPN]
East Carolina Pirates at #23 Army Black Knights (-15, O/U 51.5) [11am, ESPN2]
Arizona State Sun Devils at Cincinnati Bearcats (-3.5, O/U 51.5) [11am, ESPN+]
Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (-4.5, O/U 56.5) at Coastal Carolina Chanticleers [11am, ESPN+]
South Carolina Gamecocks at Oklahoma Sooners (-3, O/U 40.5) [11:45am, SECN]

{Ligue 1} Brest vs. Rennes [10am, beIN]
{Serie A} Milan vs. Udinese [11am, Paramount+]
{EPL} Bournemouth vs. Arsenal [11:30am, NBC]
{La Liga} Girona vs. Real Sociedad [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Bundesliga} Bayern Munich vs. Stuttgart [11:30am, ESPN+]

For the love of god, why?

UCLA Bruins at Rutgers Scarlet Knights

11am | FS1 | RU -4.5 | O/U 40.5

Watch That

Nebraska Cornhuskers at #16 #12WINdiana Hoosiers

11am | FOX | Indiana -6.5 | O/U 50.5

Wake Forest Demon Deacons at UConn Huskies

11am | CBSSN | UConn -1 | O/U 57.5

Dear God.

I mean...dear God.

Look, if you want a good game, I guess Lhvl could put a little scare in Miami Fluoride at home.

But otherwise? LOOK at this hot slop.

How will Nebraska fuck it up? Will UCLA-Rutgers come with a Surgeon General’s warning? Will there be 500 people at Wake Forest-UConn?

I have a diaper-kegger brunch thing, and I plan on offending everyone by asking for the TV to be switched from wisconsin-Northwestern (which they will put on to taunt me) to Wake Forest-UConn. I cannot wait.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

CMU Chippewas at EMU Emus (-2, O/U 55.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane at Temple Owls (-2.5, O/U 52.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
#7 Alabama Crimson Tide (-3, O/U 56.5) at #11 Tennessee Volunteers [2:30pm, ABC]
#12 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-11, O/U 49.5) at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets [2:30pm, NBC]
Charlotte 49ers at #25 Navy Midshipmen (-17, O/U 55.5) [2:30pm, CBSSN]
NC State Wolfpack at California Golden Bears (-10, O/U 46.5) [2:30pm, ACCN]
Houston Cougars at Kansas Jayhawks (-6.5, O/U 47.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors at Washington State Cougars (-19, O/U 55.5) [2:30pm, The CW]
Texas State Bobcats (-10, O/U 61.5) at Old Dominion Monarchs [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Ohio Bobcats at Miami Hydroxide Redhawks (-3.5, O/U 44.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Kent State Golden Flashes at Bowling Green Falcons (-21, O/U 55.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
WMU Broncos (-1, O/U 48.5) at Buffalo Bulls [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Toledo Rockets at NIU Huskies (-2.5, O/U 42.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
UAB Blazers at South Florida Brahman Bulls (-13.5, O/U 57.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
FAU Owls at UTSA Roadrunners (-3.5, O/U 54.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Rice Owls at Tulane Green Wave (-22.5, O/U 53.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
#19 Florida A&M Rattlers at #25 Jackson State Tigers [2:30pm, ESPNU]
USC Trojans (-7, O/U 56.5) at Maryland Terrapins [3pm, FS1]
Colorado Buffaloes at Arizona Wildcats (-3.5, O/U 57.5) [3pm, FOX]
Baylor Bears at Texas Tech Red Raiders (-6.5, O/U 55.5) [3pm, ESPN2]
Wyoming Cowboys at San Jose State Spartans (-11.5, O/U 50.5) [3pm, MWN]
James Madison Dukes (-9.5, O/U 58.5) at Georgia Southern Eagles [3pm, ESPN+]
#14 Texas A&M Aggies (-15.5, O/U 56.5) at Mississippi State Bulldogs [3:15pm, SECN]

Watch That

Aguilas Blancas vs. Aztecas UDLAP

1:50pm | beIN 5

#24 Michigan Wolverines at #22 Illinois Fighting Illini

2:30pm | CBS | Michigan -3 | O/U 43.5

New Mexico Lobos at Utah State Aggies

3pm | truTV | UNM -2 | O/U 78.5

Shoutout to the various MACtion rivalries happening today:

• Central Michigan at Eastern Michigan (no trophy, boring)
• Ohio at Miami Hydroxide (Battle of the Bricks, good name)
• Kent State at Bowling Green (Battle for the Anniversary Award, good dumb prize)

However, I’m a sucker for track meets, and New Mexico and Utah State are a special brand of terrible this year. The Lobos, under first-year HC Bronco Mendenhall, are...just kinda figuring things out. Since blowing a huge lead in their opener against FCS Montana State and losing that and the next three games as well, they’ve beaten their hated rivals, New Mexico State, in a 50-40 shootout, and outlasted moribund Air Force, 52-37. I can’t prove it, but I don’t think they’re really trying to play defense—instead, it’s just QB Devon Dampier vibing around and airing it out, along with a rushing attack that rolls five or six deep.

Utah State, meanwhile? Well, Blake Anderson went and got himself Fitzgeralded in July, and defensive coordinator Nate Dreiling—Jerry Kill’s DC at New Mexico State and a new hire of Anderson’s—has taken over.

The job might be a little too big for him.

Since beating Bobby Morris in the opener, the Aggies have dropped five straight. Four of those are defensible—at #13 USC, #12 Utah, and #21 Boise State, plus at home against formerly-ranked UNLV—and one of those is a loss at previously winless Temple.

But it’s how the Aggies are losing.

With a defensive coordinator elevated to head coach, in those five losses they’ve allowed 48 to USC, 38 to Utah, 45 to Temple, 62 to Boise, and 50 to UNLV. Yuck.

The quarterback situation, at least, has been worth a gander: Utah transfer Bryson Barnes lost the job to...

Photo by Matthew Holst/Getty Images

Spencer Petras.

Yes, that Spencer Petras.

Jamie Sabau-Imagn Images

Looking every bit the volume chucker that a middling quarterback at an awful G5 school will, Petras throws it and throws it and throws it some more: he’s tossed for 1271 yards in just four outings, including a whopping 59 attempts against UNLV (3 TDs against 3 INTs there). He’s got 9 touchdowns to 6 picks, including a flawless 3-TD, 372-yard outing against Boise.

Is it his fault? No.

Should this lead you to laugh at Iowa? Yes.

Does that mean he would’ve been good at Iowa? No.

Should you laugh at Iowa anyway on principle? Of course.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

#8 LSU Tigers (-2.5, O/U 55.5) at Arkansas Razorbacks [6pm, ESPN]
Balls Tate Robotbirds at Vanderbilt Commodores (-26, O/U 58.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Arkansas State Red Wolves (-7, O/U 55.5) at Southern Miss Golden Iggles [6pm, ESPN+]
UCF Citronauts at #9 Iowa State Cyclones (-14, O/U 58.5) [6:30pm, FS1]
#17 Kansas State Wildcats (-3, O/U 54.5) at West Virginia Mountaineers [6:30pm, FOX]
#5 Georgia Bulldogs at #1 Texas Longhorns (Texas -3.5, O/U 56.5) [6:30pm, ABC]
Iowa Hawkeyes (-6.5, O/U 41.5) at Michigan State Spartans [6:30pm, NBC]
North Texas Mean Green at Memphis Tigers (-10, O/U 66.5) [6:30pm, ESPNU]
Kentucky Wildcats at Florida Gators (PICK, O/U 42.5) [6:45pm, SECN]
#21 SMU Cocaineponies (-16, O/U 53.5) at Stanford Cardinal [7pm, ACCN]
Colorado State Rams (-7, O/U 46.5) at Air Force Falcons [7pm, CBSSN]

{MLS Decision Day} Eastern Conference games [5pm, AppleTV]
{USL} lots of games in the 5-6:30pm range [ESPN+]

Watch That

#1 South Dakota State Jackrabbits at #2 North Dakota State German-Russian Penal Colony and Butter-Churning Demonstration Booth Bizon

7pm | ESPN2 | line, total TBA | BATTLE FOR THE DAKOTA MARKER

DAKOTA MARKER DAY:

NCAA.com

How dominant have these teams been? It’s the second 1-vs-2 matchup between these teams in the last three years (SDSU won at Fargo in 2022, 23-21). There was a 1-vs-3 game in 2019 (#3 SDSU lost at home, 23-16, a year after #3 SDSU lost at #1 NDSU, 21-17).

In fact, the last time either team was unranked for this game was 2011, when #3 North Dakota State beat the unranked Jackrabbits in Brookings, 38-14. (NDSU had been unranked the year prior, beating the #24 Jackrabbits, 31-24.) The last time an unranked team won the Dakota Marker, was 2008, when South Dakota State squeaked out a 25-24 win in Fargo.

That’s how long these two have been dominant. So spare me the Johnny-come-lately Longhorns.

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Weber State Wildcats at Sac State BEEEEES [8pm, ESPN+]

{MLS Decision Day} Western Conference games [8pm, AppleTV]
{Liga MX} America vs. Santos Laguna [8:05pm, TUDN]
{Liga MX} Juarez vs. Leon [8:06pm, FOX Deportes]
{USL} Lots of games in the 8-9:30pm range [ESPN+]

Watch That

UNLV Rebels at Oregon State Beavers

9pm | The CW | UNLV -7.5 | O/U 61.5

TCU Horned Frogs at Utah Utes

9:30pm | ESPN | Utah -4.5 | O/U 49.5

Monterrey vs. Tigres

{Liga MX} 10:10pm | TUDN/Univision

One of the things I enjoy about this dumb article is that it really does make me invested in football games outside my general viewing window. It was Saturday afternoon and my daughter was taking a nap, giving me precious minutes to clean the living room, put away the Costco run supplies, and...y’know, nap.

Instead, I was watching one of last week’s recommendations, the Wyoming-San Diego State game from Laramie. Friends, by the 7-minute mark in the second half, the Pokes had thrown two interceptions (including a pick-six), run two flea-flickers (one the WR straight-up just dropped), and run a fake punt for a long first down. They led the Aztecs at that point, 14-10.

...and then the erraticism that made the Craig Bohl-era Cowboys so endearing reared its ugly head. Trailing 17-14 at halftime, Wyoming marched 50 yards on their first drive of the second half, settling for a field goal to tie it. After a short drive resulted in a punt, they got a 51-yard run for QB Evan Svoboda on the first play of the fourth quarter, giving them a 7-point lead.

Then SDSU racked up 80 yards on two pass plays, both Danny O’Neil to Jordan Napier. Touchdown, ‘Tecs.

Wyoming gained 47 yards the rest of the way. Svoboda tucked it and rumbled a couple times, but his passing was erratic, and he finished with a 12/31 line for 191, a TD, and 2 INTs. Kaliakmanis-esque.

But man, were those stupid flea-flickers cool.

Disfruta de los juegos, todos.